Self centered

A friend posted about how frustrating it is when your partner decides to teach you, regardless of what the teacher is doing.

So I’ve been thinking.  What do I want to teach? How do I understand my partner’s needs?

The title is, of course, a spoiler.

On good days, my focus is on each moment of interaction. No, that’s not  right. On good days, I’m open. How you move is a delight.  I meet you and laugh (internally) as the thing I was turns into a joint presentation.

On days which are not so spontaneous nor so beautiful, my concerns consume me, and I (gently, I hope) complete technique in a way the teacher opened for me.

In other days, we are lost. I try to express how we can meet, and incorporate technique.

On bad days, I drop you on your head, and laugh.
I hate bad days.

Small satori

I was doing the NY Times 7 minute exercise program.  It’s 7 minutes of not very intense exercise (unless you push yourself, and I suppose I do).

My mother was sitting on my couch watching me.

She’d make a remark occasionally.  First that I could be her personal trainer.  She’d ask what the exercises were (either two or three times).  I’d tell her, she’d comment that they were a good program because they weren’t very hard. Anyone could do them (this is of course true — for certain values of anyone).

Yes, she said I could be her personal trainer. I moved well, she said.  I had real control of my body.

Yes.  I do.  I’ve been studying martial arts for thirty years.  I’m ludicrously strong.  I’m coordinated. I run twenty to twenty five miles a week.

And now she realizes I’m serious.

I watched the realization hit, and then pass.



I’m happy with my body

… Or: am I cis?

I first heard “cis” as equivalent to “born.” That seemed unobjectionable. 

Some are born women (ciswomen), some choose to be women (transwomen), and some have womanhood thrust upon them (transmen).
Well, maybe not.

Because “cis” is about gender, not biological sex.

And trans* people are gender nonconforming. And cis people are gender conforming.

That’s got to be seriously off.

I have two X chromosomes, and I had the common womb environment for a XX fetus. I was born with female primary sexual characteristics and developed female secondary sexual characteristics. I am happy with my body.

(Well, I would like more flexible ankles and a better pointe; and I think being taller would have been cool, but yeah, basically I’m happy with my physical self.)

But my gender? The expectations  of behavior and profession and relationship styles and emotional work and sexuality laid on people my sex?  Hell, no.

I don’t perform femininity at all well. I never have. And it has never occurred to me that my inability to perform femininity happily and well was a fault in me. Nor is it a fault in my sex.

It is essentialist to claim that behavior (including feelings and their expression) is intrinsically female or male (sex related) when on the contrary it is feminine or masculine (gender related).

Bodies however, are male, or female, or intersex.

Bodies are particular, individual. Women and men act and feel. What I do is what a woman, this woman does.  What I feel is what a woman (this one) feels. If a man does or feels the same thing, that’s what that man does or feels. Our actions are not representative of gender, but of people.

I am female.  I’m not so sure Christine Jorgensen was.

Not represented

I watched the first season of How to get away with murder.  I loved it, as any sane person would.

And yet one thing kept bothering me.

Why were there three boys and two girls in the Keating Five?  Surely more girls are admitted to law school than boys?

Then I decided to flip one of the boys to a girl.

If it were Wes then the question would be whether the drug dealer (Rebecca) she’s obsessed with should be flipped too.  The story line works if  Rebecca is oh Reuben, because then the question of who killed Lisa can be sorted out on the basis of whose semen.

It still works if the drug dealer stays Rebecca.  The Wes character (Winifred? Wanda?) could be shocked by her attraction to a girl.

What if it’s the promiscuous gay boy (whose name I’ve lost)?  Turned into a promiscuous gay girl, most of the season works, though the HIV test may not be as immediately obvious.

Even the horrible dorky boy could be a horrible dorky girl – who still has an affair with the associate.

So yes, in my ideal universe more girls than boys in the Keating Five.