Identifying your own sexuality, and how other people nauseate you.
In the prelapsarian era of my early youth, a person could identify as straight, gay, or bi. In the circles in which I lived, the term pan-sexual didn’t exist.
Bi-sexual could mean a number of things. One thing it meant was that you had slept with, or wanted to sleep with, people of different sexes.
Two not so nice things it might mean were:
– you were a gay man who didn’t admit it
– you were a woman who would leave her girlfriend for a man
It said nothing about your propensity for monogamy. (Or not!)
So here come some gripes:
1. “I want to explore my bisexual side”
Oh for heaven’s sake! If you’re bisexual, all your sides are bisexual. What you really mean is that you’ve mostly had straight experiences and you want to explore your lesbian side. Okay, okay, you could mean you want to explore your gay side, but I tend to hear it from women, not men.
2. “I’m very bisexual”
Right, and everyone else is chopped liver. Again, what you mean by “bisexual” is “lesbian” (or “gay”, but I hear it from women).
3. “I’m straight, but my (female) partner is very bisexual”
Of course you are. Both of you. Except — it turns out your partner a) didn’t know you were looking for strange for her; b) never actually had sex with another woman.
And really, I don’t care. Your sex life is your sex life.
The whole thing comes out of nowhere. It’s not like I walked up to a strange man and announced that I was looking for a threesome. I didn’t and I’m not.
4. “Don’t you miss female energy?”
I don’t. Nor do I miss male energy. In fact I have no idea what female or male energy even is.
My experience is that people who want have sex with me, want to have sex that I and they enjoy. While it has differed from person to person, I have noticed no overarching “female” vs “male” differences.
Yeah, the external arrangements may differ, but the people who I have desired are different individuals, not representatives of the monoliths of their sex or gender.
5. “But you’re bi- (or pan-)! How could you say no?”
Because I’m picky. (And monogamous.)
6. “But you had casual sex [then]!”
Yes. I had casual sex [then] whenever that was. Right now I don’t want to. Casual sex then or now is completely unrelated to the sex of my partners.
Now, I don’t want to.
7. “But I’m a [pick a gender], and your partner is [pick a different gender]”
And I’m monogamous. And I don’t want to
Sometimes I’m polite and say “I don’t want to have sex with you.” If I say that people are marginally less offended than if I say “I don’t want you” or “I don’t want to”
That phrase “I don’t want to” is hard for other people to hear.
I can’t tell why. I think it’s because anything outside of a very narrow range is so monstrous as to not be an individual person. Keep that thought.
8. “So you’ll have sex with anyone! Why not me?”
Argh. Actually, no I won’t.
Look up pansexuality.
As for why not you? Because I don’t want to.
The assumption that I’m indiscriminate annoys me.
You see, many people assume that if you aren’t mono sexual you are interested in having sex with everyone in the world. Indeed, you’ll require sex with people of any possible sex or gender.
I’m sure such a person exists. That person isn’t me.
The vast majority of human beings don’t attract me physically. I don’t have sex with people who don’t attract me physically.
Of the minuscule number of people who potentially attract me physically, only a tiny few are attracted to me. I don’t have sex with people who aren’t attracted to me.
If you asked me, well you probably are attracted to me, but I’ve noticed that some people ask anyone at all.
But even if you’re attractive to me physically (you probably aren’t), and even if you’re attracted to me (I’ll take your word for it), you have to be at least slightly compatible with me. Yeah, even for casual sex, I have to like you.
If you’re cheating, I don’t like you.
If your politics are rancid, I don’t like you.
In fairness to right wing loonies, if you’re not a misogynist or a hypocrite, and if you’re funny (well, if I think you’re funny) I could like you a lot.
If you’re poly – I’m not interested. Just accept it, I’m not.